Thursday, January 15, 2009
i guess those feelings and thoughts i've been keeping buried inside me for the past 7 months finally caught up with me...i dun know why all the memories started popping up all of a sudden...perhaps it was cos i used to spend all special days with u?
i still remember in the early days, i was so happy that i felt i was floating on clouds. nothing could bring me down. every morning, i would wake up with a smile, even before remembering the reason why i was so happy. then i would go to sch and wait for u (i still remember reaching sch at the ungodly hour of 630am, 1hr before sch starts) and when u finally came, usually with ur group of friends, i would pretend not to notice and be my usual self (which is acting cool)...
we would make use of any time we could to meet up, sometimes just being together, talking and doing nothing. i always thought this would be enough, to keep us happy. i remember even before we got together, there was one night when i was on my way home from west coast park where i went for guides bbq alone. i passed by a particularly dark patch and i got so scared that i called u just to chat, just to hear someone's voice. no idea why but that particular memory somehow concludes my image of u.
i remember going to west coast park with u, sitting on the grass playing card games, attempting to fly the kite, lying there looking up at the sky. i remember spending christmas eve camping at east coast park, watching the sea and listening to its sounds while i slept. counting the stars, looking out at the sea. in the last few months, i told u i wanted to build sandcastles at the beach and u promised me we would...but we never did. i remembered the first time i went to meet ur family, how nervous i was, worrying whether they would like me or not.
but mostly, those memories that are embedded deepest in my mind are those of special days, valentine's days, ur birthdays, my birthdays, christmases and new years. our first christmas together, our first new year, first birthdays, first valentine's day...i guess that's what provoked the memories. especially when for the countdown this year, i went to the exact same place we went to last year with our maple friends. that day, as i walked along the same road, remembering everything, with almost the exact same ppl as last year, i couldnt help but remember last year, remember u. like i once told celine, for some reason i cant really remember much from the past 2 years of my life. i dun know what i was doing, i cant even really recall what i did during my jc days.
new year's eve, as i watched the fireworks exploding in front of my eyes, i wondered whether u're watching them too, whether u're remembering us. while my mind at that time was filled with memories, i tried hard to act happy, to pretend that nothing's wrong but i couldnt. memories cant be completely erased that easily...i wish all we had were bad memories so that i can just forget everything but i cant cos no matter what, 我們也曾經幸福過...
as much as i wish that things could have remained that way forever, we all know it's impossible...soon things started getting ugly, and the worst thing is i dun know what i could have done to make them better. somehow it seemed that whatever i did or said was wrong. eventually, i just got tired of explaining myself...shouldnt u be the one who trusted me, who defending me no matter what? shouldnt u be the one stopping my tears instead of being the one to cause them? i told myself that it would get better, that no one ever said it was easy to keep a relationship going. so i kept waiting for things to get better. but no, in the end they just got worse and worse, with u pushing my limits to see how far u could go before i finally snapped.
soon, i got used to being hurt by ur words and actions...and i started wondering "would u do this to me if u really treasure me?" how can u bear to say all those things when u knew how badly they would hurt me? u may say u din mean it, u said them in a fit of anger, but would u say them if u never thought of them? and i've always hated being lied to, yet u can blatantly deny doing something when we both know u did. but whatever, 一切都過去了...u were my best friend and perhaps someday, u will be again. haven contacted u for almost 6 months, 你最近還好嗎?
i still remember last year my birthday, u werent here to celebrate it with me...but nvm cos i thought we would always have time to celebrate a belated one, perhaps celebrate both birthdays together. i never thought we would run out of time...but i guess something that clued me in was that night, on the eve of my birthday, while i was celebrating with my maple friends, 我沒想像中那么想你...
i look for perfection in relationships, but that's not to say that the person must be perfect, or that it must be without arguments. just that 彼此真心對待...was it too much to ask for? now that i've started having feelings for someone else again, i cant help but hesitate...感覺是對了，可是他也和我一樣嗎? i dun think so...
the feelings may have been numbed but the memories wont be forgotten so fast...especially 32 months worth of memories...and if u count in the time before we got together, it would be far more than that...so if i seem distracted during valentine's day, my birthday, or a particular day in june, dun worry it's just me stoning...
*thisismymagicaltale*