NOTE: this is going to be a highly emo post so pls refrain from reading if u think u cant take it.
have to wake up early again tmr for orientation talks but i dun know how i'm going to do that when i'm not even sleepy at 2am. tried to sleep but couldnt stop thinking about things. or shall i say ppl. just realised i haven really wrote an entry about how i really feel so i shall do so now. i will start from the beginning.
we got to know each other in sec3 when we got into the same class due to our subject combi. that time i only remembered him as the guy nominated to be class chairman but din get it. it wasnt until the end of the year that we began to sms and call each other at night. we dun talk much in sch, true, cos there werent much chances to do so. but i found myself looking forward to his sms-es and called every night. there was a specific period of time that he would call, so i know if he din call within that period it means he wont be calling that night. and i got disappointed almost every night. yet everything he did call or sms i would just feel this happiness which cant be described.
when i broke up with my first ex he was the one to comfort me. though we were together only for 2 weeks, it was saddening too due to the method of break-up the guy chose. ultimately i was the one who initiated it but i guess there was no point in carrying on after what he said to me. we got together during our sec4 year, just before our o lvls. i was worried initially that it would affect our studies but no, we just continued to see each other in sch, encouraged each other through sms-es and calls. it wasnt until the end of the exams that we went out on our first official date. we went to west coast park to fly kite cos i told him i haven flew kite since i was small. i cant remember that day other than the fact that i was floating on clouds the whole day, just spending time together with him makes me happy.
when the o lvls results were released, i threw a tantrum even though i knew i had no right to. he got 13 while i got 14 and his friends were encouraging him to go acjc but i planned to go jjc. i assumed that he would just go wherever his friends go since they were so close. but no, we ended up in the same sch and even took the same subject combi cos after the first 3 months i told him i cant take geog anymore. so passed our jc days...i still remember the racial harmony day when the whole class dressed up in indian traditional costumes and took pictures near the bball court. we were teased into taking a picture together...and i think it was that day we saw a rainbow together if i remembe correctly. cant really remember much of what happened in the past nowadays.
we were happy together the first year...getting through each day together, going to sch and lessons together...that year we were happy. purely and unreasonably happy. i'm not sure when things started to change subtly and we started quarreling. at first i thought it was nothing cos all couples quarrel but soon we started quarreling everyday over small things. we spent weekends at each others' house, spent christmas, valentine's day, birthdays together. i remembered the way we cried together when ur grandpa passed away. i felt guilty that u were with me and not with ur grandpa when we died. i know it was sudden and there was no way of predicting that would happen but i still blame myself for hogging u.
soon i began to feel suffocated. i asked u for a temporary break so that i wont feel so restricted anymore. but u refused. u promised to change and even alot of other things. but u never did. or maybe u did but as u said, i was too blind to see. i still remember the ring u bought me and the one which i lost. we tried so many times to buy couple rings but everytime one of us would lose it. maybe that's a premonition. i know i may not appear to care about the ring i lost, but i really did. cos it's the ring u bought me with the money u got from ur first pay. i really tried very hard to find it but somehow i just cant.
things got worse when u went to ns. i din mind not seeing u during weekdays cos i knew i needed some time alone too. but u got paranoid and started over-analysing everything i did. i couldnt go out with my friends without a thorough interrogation. u may say u did those things only cos u cared about me. i know u do. but how many times have i told u that i'm suffocating and u promised u would change? soon, i dun go out with my friends cos i dread the quarrels i know we would have. even if i did go out, i wont be happy cos i will be expecting a quarrel as soon as i get home. u complained about the time i made u wait for 3hrs when i went to wenen's house. but i've never asked u to wait for me...
isnt that just typical? u always do things that u think i want u to do or what u think a bf should do but u have never actually asked me whether i wanted u to do those things. u just assumed i did and when i appeared less than happy afterwards u would say i'm not appreciative...do u know u tended to sprout nonsense whenever we quarrel? they say even when couples quarrel they should also not say things till too jue so that the relationship can still be saved. however, how many times have u said hurtful things to me without even thinking or considering my feelings then apologising to me and asking me to forget about them? like i said, i can forgive but i can forget. i cant just delete my memories anytime like a computer.
ever since we broke up, my ma has been appalled by the way i appeared to be treating u. i dun know why she only ever sees my bad side and assume the worst of me. she can scold me for being heartless without even knowing what happened. i'm her daughter but in the end it appears that everything's simply my fault. but afterall i'm a human being and i'm made of flesh too. i'm not a machine made of metal that has no feelings at all. she scolds me for being heartless, cos afterall we were together for 2yrs+. but who knows if i cry alone at night? who knows if i hide and suffer alone? i thought a bf was supposed to watch over, care for, protect his gf and vice versa. but in the end u were the one who hurt me the most with both ur words and actons.
i dun want to go back to that kind of constand unhappiness again. even when i went out with friends i couldnt be happy. we would quarrel everyday and u would start spamming sms-es and calls even though u know i hate u to do that. ironic isnt it? i used to look forward to ur calls and now i dread them. the last thing u did to betray my trust was to give my number to a stranger, someone whom i dun even know and expect her to talk me to my senses. u should know me well enough. u've known me for almost 5 years and we were together for more than half that time. dun u know if i'm not even willing to listen to u, what makes u think i would listen to a stranger just cos she's a girl? the best i could do was to tell her to eff off in a polite way.
i told u i like another guy. but he's not the reason. more like the catalyst. u said i dun really like him, that i'm just hoping i like another guy cos i'm disappointed with u. the main reason was cos i had enough of being suffocated and restricted. u are a great guy and i think someday u would be a good bf. till now i'm still not sure of my own feelings towards that guy but it doesnt matter anyway since i dun think he likes me. no matter what, u would always have a special place in my heart (it always sound so corny when ppl say it on shows) as my ex, the best friend i had, the one who went through my jc days with me. i recently found a song which aptly describes my feelings but i shall quote the last line to u. "ru guo yao zou, qing ni ji de wo. ru guo nan guo, qing ni wang le wo".
cos i dun want to be with u and yet think of someone else
*thisismymagicaltale*